Get the Most Out of Your IT Department
- When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure
to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures,
stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's
art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving
to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
- Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the
error messages from here.
- When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for
coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password.
It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.
- When you call the help desk, state what you want, not
what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know
that you can't get into your mail because your computer
won't power on at all.
- When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance
delete it at once. We're just testing.
- When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk
right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to
- Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks
it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
- When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support.
There's electronics in it.
- When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call
computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
- When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid
of, call computer support. We're collectors.
- When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an
I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no
description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
- When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't
have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
- When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly,
reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many
weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
- When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least
20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
- When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send
the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is
bound to work.
- Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We
know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".
- Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
- If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture
of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under
it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer
sitting on top of them.
- If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame
it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy
with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in
- When you get a message saying "Are you sure?"
click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you
weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
- When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank,
sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him
until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
- Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know
nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at
all hearing our area of professional expertise referred
to as crap.
- When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer,
call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely
complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be
performed only by a professional engineer with a master's
degree in nuclear physics.
- When you can't find someone in the government directory,
call I.T. Support.
- When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call
I.T. Support. We love to hack.
- When something's the matter with your computer, ask your
secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge
of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything
about the problem.
- When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to
everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space
on that mail server.
- Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into
smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze
a memo into the queue.
- When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000
worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud
voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN
one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up
- When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire
company. People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of
what's going on.
- When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store
on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
- Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around
on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
- When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at
the office,leave the documentation at home. We'll find all
the settings and drivers somewhere.